he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
