I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
