You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
