i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
