Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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