You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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