you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
