i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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