mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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