new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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