I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
