i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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