Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
