No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
