Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize