apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
