I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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