her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
