My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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