Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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