she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
