The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
