I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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