Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
