I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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