we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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