at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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