if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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