i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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