I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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