Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
