how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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