On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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