I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
