Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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