I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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