Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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