he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
