a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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