Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
