My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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