Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
