I met the friendliest cop last night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
