I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
