My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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