If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
