first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
