Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
