My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
