the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I take back everything I said about communal showers
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
