carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
