I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
