I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
