I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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