Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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