i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
