I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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