I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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