They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
