you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
