My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
